Okay, yes, I’m ripping off that title despite never having read the book or seen the movie, but it’s just so apt, isn’t it? Haven’t we all wondered that about someone or another, how he or she seems to be able to do everything, and do it well? Haven’t we all thought, “I would punch a clown to be able to accomplish half of what (s)he has?” And you don’t need me to tell you (again) what a waste of time and mental energy this all is; you know it. You just can’t stop. Because The Comparison Game is like a slot machine at a casino – anyone and everyone can think they’re just in for a second, just playing it once, and then suddenly it’s been hours, days, and you’ve hit ups and downs and have no clue how much time you’ve lost but everything sure seems shiny in a soul-sucking way.
The thing is, I’m on the receiving end of this sort of question a lot. I’ve been asked how I do so many things, or how I’ve read so many books so far this year, etc. etc. And given that this happened to me a lot last week after posting my first monthly check-in post of the year, I decided that I’m going to sit down and actually explain it. In painstaking and brutally honest detail.
Because here’s the thing. “How she does it” is often a way you would never, ever do it. Circumstances might not allow it. Brain chemistry might not allow it. Financial situations might not allow it. And forget allowing – there are a billion things about the way I operate that should never be emulated by anyone, really.
But you’ve asked. And whether or not you were being rhetorical, here are the answers to this particular FAQ and all its subsets:
1) How I Read So Much:
- I will get this out there immediately – I do read quickly. I always have. It is not always a good thing. I do have the tendency to skim, especially when I’m not particularly compelled by the text. I realized very late into Little Women that I’d completely missed the part where Beth dies. So, this has its pros and its cons, but either way, it’s my reality.
More importantly though, is this: I have built-in, dedicated time for it. Not time I make because oh I’m so good and I make sure I put reading in my schedule. Built-in, dedicated time because that is how my life works. By which I mean:
- My commute involves an hourlong subway ride each way. Oftentimes I kinda just pass out on the morning ride, but sometimes I actually do get some reading in. On the way home, however, I always, always read (except for the rare times I write in my notebook). This is pretty much the only time I spend reading during the week, unless I can squeeze in a few chapters before bed. I read almost strictly NA and lighter contemp YA during this time, and it usually takes me 2-3 subway rides per book, which means I probably read two books per week on my commute.
- I observe Jewish Sabbath. This means that for 25 hours a week – from sundown on Friday to an hour after sundown on Saturday – I do not touch my computer, phone, or TV. I do not travel. I do not cook. I do not write, including by pen. Literally all I do is eat, sleep, and read. And not eBooks, because I do not touch my Kindle either. If it operates via electricity or battery, it is off limits. (The same does not apply to passive use, to anyone wondering right now if I sit in the dark the entire time. I do not.) If we do not have company, I can usually read one book Friday night and two on Saturday. If we do, then I read less, because pulling a book out at the table is frowned upon, apparently.
If I had a driving commute, or a walking commute, I could not do this. If I were not a Sabbath-observing Jew, I would not do this. My ability to read as much as I do is about 90% life-circumstantial, and they are not circumstances most people, including probably you, aim for.
2) How I Tweet So Much:
I was actually surprised to get this question, and when I told my husband that I’d been asked it more than once (by people who seemed impressed by my ability to fit it into my day, rather than mocking as they probably should’ve been), he laughed and said, “Did you explain that it’s sort of like breathing for you?”
I didn’t, because that sounds super sad, but it’s kind of the truth. Tweeting, for me, is not hard. It is not time-consuming. It is not something I spend time thinking about doing before I do it. (A lot of my tweets probably make that really clear, tbh.) It is a thing that, for me, is easy and fits easily into my day, because it is not taxing on my brain and I don’t have anxiety about it and I have an iPhone.
Here are things that are not easy for me: Fast drafting. Writing an articulate book review. Writing outside my genre. Reading outside my genre. Writing a good query letter on my first shot. Writing a synopsis. Taking crowded city buses. Learning how to drive. Dieting. Exercising. Using Instagram. Reaching out to potential mathematician-authors as required by my job. Stopping myself from blowing up at someone when (s)he’s upset me and I’m stressed out. Writing in a literary style. Making phone calls. Being in a car for more than fifteen minutes without worrying I’m going to get sick. Knowing I have to get in a car for more than fifteen minutes without worrying I’m going to get sick. Maintaining a respectable attention span for the duration of a movie. Reading the classics. Using a foreign language to speak to somebody fluent in said language. Asking for promotional help. Writing extroverted characters. Writing parents. Scheduling doctors’ appointments I need to. Running. Vlogging. Blog posts on writing advice.
WTF is my point?
Everyone has their strengths and weaknesses, their things that come naturally and their things that don’t. You can waste so much time beating yourself up wondering why something comes so easily to someone else that doesn’t to you. Or you can maximize what does come easily to you, make the most of it, and realize that you probably naturally kick ass at something that person struggles with like crazy. As far as skills go, given the choice between effortlessly writing beautiful prose and effortlessly writing a funny tweet, I’d probably take the former.
I make the best out of the latter.
(And, here’s what I actually answered one of the times I was asked, because I think it also helps explain how my brain works: “The only way I can multitask is to constantly multitask, like take breaks from one thing by doing another. If I take an actual break, like to watch TV or something, I’m screwed. But twitter keeps me going in the same direction, if that makes sense. Ditto blogging.”)
And all other “How Do You…?” questions are going to have similar answers: I focus on what I can, not what I can’t. I prioritize the things that work for me, that fit into my day. That isn’t to say I don’t challenge myself. I’d hope everyone who’s read my books would back up that I work my ass off to write different perspectives and settings and stories. I leave my house at 7:30 AM and go to sleep around 1:00 AM and am reading, dayjobbing, writing, copy editing, and blogging for almost that entire time. But my life isn’t like everyone else’s. I do not have kids. I do have whatever “enough money” is. I do have a supportive husband who cooks and cleans on top of being a lawyer. I do have a multi-tasking brain. My nightly six-ish hours of sleep are uninterrupted.
But also:
- I do not factor exercising into my week, because I don’t do it.
- I don’t factor cleaning into my week, because I don’t do it.
- I only have to factor cooking into my week when my husband works too late to do it.
- I barely factor showering into my week, because I don’t care.
- I barely factor socializing into my week, because I say no to it 98% of the time, except on Sabbath.
- I do not factor in doctors’ appointments, because I do not make them, to the point where even when I considered therapy at a point this year, I ultimately decided not to go because I was too stressed out at the thought of adding a new obligation to my calendar.
- I do not factor in childcare or sick children or any of those things because I do not have kids.
- I’m also a pretty lousy daughter, sister, and aunt, if I’m being pretty honest.
- And I’ve lost all my friends who require phone calls as part of friendship maintenance, because anything that requires the combination of privacy and a wholly singular focus literally does not fit into my day and I cannot make it do so except on the rarest of occasions.
So, surprise – I’m not particularly hygienic, I am privileged, I’m overly reliant on my husband, and I’m kind of an asshole.
And all of that also contributes to how this “she” does it.
Impressed?
Alexa S. (@alexalovesbooks) said:
What I love most about this post, Dahlia, is that you emphasize that “how she does it” is different for every single person. Life circumstances, beliefs, relationships, financial situations — these definitely affect a person’s ability to do lots of different things. I admire a lot the fact that you work hard during most of your week days, and that your situation gives you the leeway to make it all happen!
I’m with you on the subway commute. Mine takes about 45 minutes, so that’s about 150 minutes or 1 1/2 hour for me. That’s actually a LOT of reading time. I read pretty fast (though not as fast as a lot of other people I know), so I can generally get at least halfway through a book in one day. When people ask me how I read so much, even if I do go out with friends a lot and like to hang out watching movies/tv/eating, that’s pretty much the answer I give them.
I enjoyed this post a lot. Just wanted to say that!
KathleenKern (@KathleenKern) said:
I am SO excited to find out that at least one other person missed the part where Beth died in Little Women.
tawney13 said:
I’m still impressed and don’t think you’re an asshole. You are awesome and have lots of talent. Everyone does it differently and to others they wonder how they do it! You do it well!
Suzi said:
Gotta agree w/Sarah and any others who said it: you do not seem like an asshole. 🙂
This post was great. Probably applies to many writers.
Sarah Hipple said:
Well. You don’t seem like an asshole to a regular blog reader, just a busy (and in some social ways, lazy) person. I always prefer to attribute my lack of social interaction to laziness rather than assininity.
And I don’t think you’re giving enough credit to all the blogging/networking you do too. I’m sure that was a very organic development from your online life, but that was actually the “how she does it” I was looking for. You’ve built up a fairly impressive online world
Pingback: On Balance.
Gina Ciocca said:
“I’m kind of an asshole.” I died. Literally died.
The other day I actually said out loud, “I’m kind of a bitch.” I think we’re soul mates.
Sophia Betti said:
The last part is hysterical. Yes, I can relate. I love this post because I think we’re so good at the comparison game when it’s really not healthy to do so. Unfortunately, we do it. I have high standards for myself and I know I’m my own worst enemy when I don’t meet said standards. One of my resolutions this year was to lighten up on myself.
Catherine Egan said:
I laughed almost the whole way through this. And yes, I’m still impressed :).
mkcooke said:
Loved your post. It was wholly honest, and it put it all out there. (What more can you ask for?) Thanks for posting this, and putting it out there that it is okay for all of us to do our things in whatever way works for us. Thanks especially for making it known that its completely okay to put reading above other “necessary” things.
Jessie Oliveros said:
Thank you for this post! Everybody has so many different obligations and wants and needs and talents. It is not fair to compare ourselves to anyone. You make me laugh:)
melanie conklin (@MLConklin) said:
The truth is never pretty. Thanks for sharing yours. I get these same questions from friends when they find out how many projects I’m working on at once. My answers are similar: I am fortunate to be home more than some people because I’m home with my kids, and I choose me every chance I get. 🙂
Julie Sondra Decker said:
I feel you on all of this. I do a ton of stuff and am always being gawked at like I’m something amazing, and then I think ” . . . really? If only you knew!” I think my answer to this is that I have ridiculously high standards for myself, and I don’t meet my own expectations more than half the time, but other people seem to think it’s a lot. They laugh at me when I call myself a procrastinator or a failure. But I know how much I’m not doing.
I’ve definitely looked at all you do and thought “wow! Wish I could get that kind of game!” Mostly on the reading, and a few other accomplishments of yours. But I know part of the reason I don’t have those things under my belt is that other things are stealing my time, and they are primarily things I’ve chosen. I’ve decided to include long e-mail conversations, regular blogging on four platforms, writing and CPing, two webcomics, and two YouTube channels with active content in my life, and I’d just have to make it work if I wanted other things to take priority.
I definitely relate to the bit about being an asshole and turning down socialization. 😀 That’s so me. Not married, no kids, privileged as hell. (My day job is only 28 hours a week and I make enough to live on, so the rest of the time is ~*~mine~*~!) I worry about losing this freedom, but at the moment, I make the most of it. And “the most” is what people are seeing all over the Internet. 🙂
jayerobinbrown said:
I’m laughing so hard at that last bit.
Bravo.
Dahlia Adler said:
Someone suggested I make it my Twitter bio and I am maybe totally considering it.
Tara Dairman said:
Love this post, Dahlia. I have to admit that I’ve wondered how you do everything you do, too, and now I feel enlightened. Thanks for sharing, and keep up the awesome. 🙂
Dahlia Adler said:
Thanks, Tara! Glad to drop the curtain a little bit 😉
amiallenvath said:
I want to say I love you after reading this but that’s old news, but really, I love your husband.
Thanks for the sharing, honesty, and proving that when it comes to reading and writing it takes some asshole moves, less showers, and even WAY less housekeeping.
Dahlia Adler said:
Ha, right? It’s like he pulls all the puppet strings, basically. My arms would probably have been amputated by falling books or something by now without him .
Michelle said:
Thank goodness, I’m not the only one who doesn’t make showering a priority. Isn’t that what perfume and hats are for?
But seriously, alllllll of this. I’ve learned over the past year that comparing yourself to someone else is the fastest way to drive yourself crazy. One person’s normal is another person’s nightmare.
Dahlia Adler said:
Truth be told, I never have. I’ve always hated it. I have thick hair and it stays wet forever and it feels like such a time suck and I just do not care. I feel like everyone I see in person is gonna start side-eyeing me now, though.
And yep, this exactly. What’s nothing to you can be impossible for someone else, whether that’s a skill, or something neurological, or a physical ability…everyone has their own.
Christina (A Reader of Fictions) said:
1) Yesss, I hate when people ask how I read so much. That happened the other day when I tweeted about my reading progress so far this year. How do I read so much? Well, it’s one of two things: either I read faster than you or I make more time to read than you do. Being single and hating socializing helps, but that makes me sound pathetic and like I didn’t have anything else to do. I could do other things, but I prefer books and TV. I choose to spend the bulk of my free time doing those things rather than things that stress me out. Busy people can make time to read if they care enough to put time in their schedule. It’s all about priorities.
Also, totally relate to your skimming problem. I don’t do it all the time, but if I’m kinda bored, I totally start skimming or speedreading or something.
Sabbath sounds great for reading.
2) I’ve never been asked this, but it’s not something I really think about. If anything, it’s vaguely embarrassing, but I enjoy Twitter, so I spend time there. I am the worst at exercising.
“The only way I can multitask is to constantly multitask, like take breaks from one thing by doing another.” <- BRAIN TWIN. I also have no focus if I try to do just one thing, because I'm too programmed to switch. I actually even chop up episodes of TV a lot of the time because 40 minutes is too long to do just one thing for anymore.
No children is a big one. Children are a huge time suck that I will never have. No thanks. Though some bloggers who are mothers read tons, so who knows.
Bahahaha, I love this. I feel like I know you so much better. Basically, you're me, only you live in a cleaner house and eat better, because you got married. I need to find me one of those.
Dahlia Adler said:
Yeppp, it’s so much about what your life looks like. I knew as soon as I saw your spreadsheet that we were totally kindred spirits. Either it is your life, or it isn’t. There’s no shame in either one, but you’re obviously going to get different results depending on which of those is true. (And Sabbath is really, really great for reading. I’m actually sort of sorry I’ve poisoned it a bit by blogging professionally now and so having to choose which books I read by which ones I have to blog about next.)
So not surprised that we’re brain twins. I don’t chop up episodes of TV but I can’t watch them without my phone so that I have Twitter on hand at all times.
I just got this terrible, hilarious vision of us being roommates, and basically just sleeping on piles of dusty books, and wept.
Carla Cullen said:
I love this. There have been so many times when I feel jealous of people who fast draft or read 5 books a week or who actually ARE extroverted, but, for all I know, they might have their own issues/problems/weaknesses. Reading this makes me realize I should focus on my own strengths, and what I can accomplish, rather than looking at everyone else and feeling lame that I’m not doing as much as they are!
Dahlia Adler said:
Exactly. I can spend time being jealous that other people can have a 10K day or I can focus on what *I* can do. Only one of those leads to any productivity!
Elizabeth Briggs (@lizwrites) said:
LOL “I’m not particularly hygienic, I am privileged, I’m overly reliant on my husband, and I’m kind of an asshole.” Yep, this is 100% my life too.
Dahlia Adler said:
Oh thank God.
Jessica Love (@_JessicaLove) said:
100% me too. I could have written that word for word, for sure.
Katie L said:
I have so many responses I’m replying here instead of Twitter (and I’m a really really terrible blog post commenter. Commentator? Commenter. Comment leaver. Shit.)
I get this a lot because a few times a month, I’ll have a day where I write more than 5k in a day. And once a month, I’ll write more than 10k in a day. And I read books in single sittings. I hear this ALL the time, often accompanied by only half joking “omg I hate you hahaha” which, to be honest, stings a little because…I’m not doing this to be hated or to be loved. I just do it?
I write a lot because I’m almost always hypomanic. Except when I’m not. So when people tell me it’s awesome that I “get so much done”, even when they know I’m hypomanic, I remind that the flip side of my brain is that when I’m not hypomanic, I’m absolutely completely paralyzed by depression. Like don’t get out of bed, don’t answer the phone, can’t open a book, delete everything, waste of life depression. Sometimes it’s just a day. Sometimes it’s a few weeks. Sometimes it’s a month. I don’t know. I work on a lot of different projects at the same time because my brain chemistry allows it AND my brain chemistry demands it. Trust me, there are worst things I could be doing with all of the energy and frenetic pulsing I feel when I’m hypomanic. Writing is the safest outlet for me and the most therapeutic outlet.
I read fast because I read fast. Everyone in my family reads fast. It’s a gift and I know it. I’m lucky.
I don’t have kids. I have cats, but cats are great because you can just dump food into a bowl and go back into your office for 5 more hours because they don’t NEED you. They poop in a box, not in a diaper. They fight over my lap and that’s about it.
I don’t cook. For a lot of reasons, but ultimately, I don’t cook. I try to deep clean my house every Saturday but I’m behind on that now so yes, my house is a little messy at the moment. it doesn’t matter because I live alone and cats don’t care!
I’m aware that my single lifestyle, work schedule, and fast reading skills “let me do it”. And I am grateful that I do tend to write fast though revisions are really hard for me (because brain is like NOT BUSY ENOUGH. TOO MUCH SLOW. WHY HAPPENING). So that’s how I do it. And that’s all of my frustration at people being like “lol i’m so jealous that you wrote that much and did work and read a book today!”
…thanks for letting me vent? :p
TL;DR I totally get you. And I don’t think you’re an asshole. I think that we all work differently and we’re lucky when we find someone who gets that and shares our life with all of that into consideration so that we don’t have to cook and clean and you know, be the social one in the house. The “you are amazing” thing feels far more undermining and misunderstanding than most people get. So. I get it.
Dahlia Adler said:
Such a perfect illustration of exactly what I mean. Very different brains make for very different inclinations and abilities and skills and just…all of it. I’ve never had a 10K day. But when I am depressed, it’s also never completely paralyzing. Your brain just works how it works and allows what it allows, and circumstances fill in the rest, and that’s life, and why comparison is pointless. For once, I will say it: We ARE all special snowflakes.
Tara said:
I love this. I have such a hard time focusing an all of the good things in others and all of my own faults. This was a perfect timing post for me. Thanks!
Dahlia Adler said:
Aw, I’m so glad. Enjoy all my faults. They’re great.
Kelly Fiore said:
I love you. And this.
Dahlia Adler said:
And I you ❤