A friend showed me these lyrics written by an anonymous source and I super obviously had to share them (with permission). And so, to the tune of Lorde’s “Royals”, I hope this makes you crack up and weep like I did:


i’ve never seen a contract in the flesh
i subbed two books and got real drunk
on this whiskey
and i’m not proud of my requests
from a big six house
they’ll never read it

but every tweet’s like new deals
companion novellas
jet planes
big cons
cosplaying cinderella
i don’t care
i’m just tearing out my goddamn hair

and i’ll never be published
it don’t run in my blood
the pm listings ain’t for us
i may eventually self-pub
there will never be book deals
my agent will fire me
and baby i’ll drink

(i’ll drink i’ll drink i’ll drink)

i will live that tragedy

my friends all seem to have cracked the code
major deals follow them around
like puppies
and everyone who knows me knows
that i’m fine with it
i’ll just die a pauper

but everybody’s like
book deals
tour dates
six figures and a movie
john green
optioned for cable tv
i don’t care
i’m writing bestsellers in my dreams

and i’ll never be published…